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Wednesday, February 23

Can vampires "rise" to the occasion?

You know, there’s something that’s bugging me. I think it first hit home while watching an episode of True Blood, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized vampire stories, which seem to be all the rage nowadays, all pretty much miss or ignore this altogether. What’s bugging me is vampire sex, and, more specifically, vampire erections.

There’s a lot of sex in True Blood. It’s an essential part of the story. Vampires are getting it on left and right, with humans and non-humans alike. Nothing new there, really – vampires have had sexual overtones since Lugosi’s Dracula (and one could argue the scene of Nosferatu feeding on the flesh of Ellen is ripe with sensuality, too). But sensuality/sexual overtones and outright sex are two different things. Over the years the movies have gotten more violent and the sex more graphic. They now show things that were only hinted at in the early films. Vampires nowadays are, to quote Star Trek, fully functional, (and quite horny). But shouldn’t this be impossible?

I mean, granted, we are talking about pure speculative fiction here anyway, and I’m probably over-thinking this way too much. But what causes an erection is good old fashioned blood flow to the private parts. Vampires are dead – their hearts no longer beat. They would and should be incapable of getting wood as blood no longer flows in their veins. It sits, stale and souring, never moving unless the skin is punctured in some way (which brings to mind another thought – can a vampire heal from a wound?). It’s why their skin is cold – they have no body temperature. They are literally cold blooded killers.

Now some may argue it is magic that makes this possible, in which case there is no counter to that logic. But if you want to break it down in physiological terms, it ain’t happening. And sorry guys, Viagra wouldn’t help. Again, it’s based on a blood flow that we’ve already established is non-existent.

So guess that’s just another unfortunate part of the curse for male vampires. Kind of makes Michael's choice of party all day, sleep all night just a little less tempting now, doesn’t it, guys?

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