SUCK - a film that doesn't

SUCK
2009
Directed by Rob Stefaniuk
91min

Suck is a 2009 film that follows a struggling pop-punk band called THE WINNERS. The band members are singer/guitarist Joey Winner (played by writer/director Rob Stefaniuk), bass player Jennifer (Jessica Pare), drummer Sam (Mike Lobel), lead guitarist Tyler (Paul Anthony), and roadie Hugo (Chris Ratz).

While playing a typical late night gig in a dive bar a strange, pale faced guy enters and makes his way toward the stage. This is Queeny, played by real life rocker Dimitri Coats. Dmitri has a really great look - wide face, piercing eyes, long curly hair - he makes one genuinely creepy vamp. He gains and maintains eye contact with Jennifer for the rest of the show, making her obviously self-conscious. Afterwards the two cozy up at a side table, oblivious to the rest of the world.


Meanwhile Joey is talking with band manager Jeff, played by Dave Foley. Jeff is a lousy excuse for a manager, honestly, and even tells them as much.  A sarcastic waitress brings the guys drinks, courtesy of the bartender, played by none other than rock legend Alice Cooper. The waitress is played by Calico Cooper, Alice’s real life daughter. Joey is stopped on his way out by the bartender, who gives him a bit of ominous, if somewhat vague, advice.

Jennifer tells the guys that rather than spend the night in a crowded hearse she’s going to a party with Queeny, and she’ll be back in the morning. Joey questions if that’s a good idea, since she doesn’t even know this guy. She ignores him, chalking it up to jealousy (they used to date) and heads off with Queeny. Joey’s concerns were justified, however, as we discover Queeny is a vampire, and his party is a gathering of bloodsuckers.

The next morning Jennifer is nowhere to be found. The band waits as long as possible, but finally has to hit the road. Fortunately Jennifer shows up just before show time, looking radiant. She informs them that she hitched a ride with the opening act, The Itchies. However, they just dropped her off and she doesn’t know where they disappeared to. There is a real glow about her, and Joey remarks that she somehow looks different. Onstage the crowd reacts positively to the band for the first time - but all their enthusiasm is directed toward Jennifer.

We later find out that she, in Hugo's words, "Ate the Itchies." You see, Hugo is the first person to discover Jennifer's little secret, but she charms him into not telling the rest of the band, instead serving as her own personal "Renfield." He helps dispose of the bodies of her victims in exchange for a promise to one day turn him into a vampire, too.

The band continues their tour across Canada and into the U.S. Along the way we follow their course on a map, animated with blood splatters rather than Indiana Jones-style dotted lines. These are punctuated with animated clips of a claymation hearse making its way from town to town.

Meanwhile the band is being stalked from town to town by an eyepatch wearing vampire hunter Eddie Van Helsing (a name that immediately conjures up images of legendary guitarist Eddie Van Halen, appropriately enough), played by Malcolm McDowell.

There is a flashback sequence where we see Malcolm as a young man who loses his bride to be to a vampire. I was amazed at how good the footage of Malcolm looked, and wondered if they used  some kind of computer generated wizadry to make him look young in this scene. However, it turns out these were actually scenes from a 1973 film called "O Lucky Man" which were integrated seamlessly into the movie. It really looks as if they were made for Suck, so Kudos for the flashback sequence.

At the U.S. border they are stopped by a guard who thinks they look suspicious and makes them pull over and step inside. The coolest cameo of the movie (and I say that as a lifelong RUSH fan), this guard is played by none other than Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson. He asks if they have any drugs and they say no. The guard suddenly lights up when he hears they’re in a band, and he delivers my favorite line in the movie - “Oh, you’re a band eh? I used to be in a band. Played a little guitar…” A real tongue in cheek comment coming from a rock god like Alex Lifeson!

A few other rock idols make appearances in this movie. Moby plays Beef Bellows, front man of rival band The Secretaries of Steak, a band whose fans show their appreciation by throwing raw meat…

Henry Rollins plays Rockin’ Roger, a douche bag DJ who invites them to be guests on his program…

Iggy Pop plays Victor, a retired rock star turned record producer who owns a studio where they stop in to record a track. Victor recognizes Jennifer for what she is right off the, er, bat. He tells Joey this’ll end badly for him and the rest of the band, and he should kick her out if he knows what’s good for him…

He is right, as the band members notice the audience response and decide that they want to become vampires too. They one by one talk a reluctant Jennifer into turning them into blood drinkers. With each undead addition the audience reaction grows stronger and stronger. The Winners are becoming rock stars!

Meanwhile Eddie eventually catches up to and convinces the band there is only one way to be free of this curse. Kill the head vampire and the curse will be lifted. But you just know it ain’t gonna be that easy… and you just know Alice is gonna pop back up at some point, too.

Suck is a lot of fun. It’s smartly directly, has a great script, and a really cool rock vibe about it. Rob Stefaniuk did a terrific job balancing the humor and horror elements in Suck. This is only the second feature Rob Stefaniuk has directed, the first being a 2004 comedy called Phil the Alien which he also wrote and starred in. The cast all do a really good job, and Rob seems to have a real handle on the dual chores writing and directing, which I can imagine isn't necessarily an easy thing.

I find the theme of the band becoming undead  in order to bring their career to life interesting. While living the Winners were losers, but in death they found new life. Talk about a rock and roll reincarnation!

The music The Winners play is really good, but a bit poppy for my taste. Writer/Director Rob Stefaniuk actually wrote and performed a good chunk of the music in this one, including all the songs the band does. There are also tracks by Dmitri Coats' band Burning Brides, David Bowe, Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, The Rolling Stones and of course Alice Cooper.

One of the cooler segments in the film happens in the scene at Queeny’s place where he breaks out into song as the camera whirls about the room and we see Jennifer’s physical reactions to being turned into an undead. This plays out like a music video, rather than a musical, and works really well.

Suck is a smart film full of odes to Rock n' Roll, such as this shot of the band wrapped in the British Flag (The Who - The Kids are Alright) and the shot of the band crossing single file across the street (The Beatles - Abbey Road).

It's obvious Rob is a Rock and Roll fan and this is his love letter to the genre. Suck is a fun movie that never takes itself too seriously – and I think that is the main thing that keeps this from living up to its name. You make a movie called Suck you better darn well make sure it doesn’t – this is definitely a film worth seeing – currently available on Netflix.

Top 10 Vampire Film Countdown - #1

This is it, the top spot in out vampiric countdown. Before I announce the #1 film, let's recap the previous 9 entries:

#10 - Salem's Lot
 #9 - The LostBoys
 #8 - Near Dark
 #7 - Fright Night
 #6 - Let the Right One In
 #5 - Martin
 #4 - Dracula Prince of Darkness
 #3 - Horror of Dracula
 #2 - Dracula (1931)

And now for the #1 spot - a film that is one of the earliest renditions of the Bram Stoker Dracula novel, albeit an unauthorized adaptation - NOSFERATU.

Nosferatu was made in Germany in 1921, ten years before Universal's Dracula. It was directed by F.W. Murnau and stars Max Schreck as Count Orlock. It is a silent film, yet is arguably the most terrifying vampire ever put to film. This vampire is evil, pure and simple. Not the sophisticated, suave vampire most people think of when they hear the name Dracula, but instead a true MONSTER. He is a tall, thin, gangly vampire, almost sickly looking. He is a disease carrier, a pestilence - he controls rats and where he goes he brings disease and famine. In fact he is very rat-like himself, with large twin fangs for front teeth and long sharp claw-like nails. He has a bald-head and piercing eyes, like something from a nightmare. This is a vampire to fear. He won't charm the blood from your veins, he'll rip it open and leave your rotting corpse behind.

 This is a German expressionist film, and makes great use of light and shadows. Some of the most effective scenes in the film are those of the shadow of the Count creeping up on his victim, again, like a nightmare slowly approaching.



As this was an unauthorized production of the film Bram Stoker's widow eventually caught wind of it and was none too happy. She brought litigation and the film was pulled from syndication and all prints ordered destroyed. Some survived, thankfully. This most likely explains the change in name from Dracula to Orlock (and from Renfield to Knock). If you've never seen Nosferatu you should definitely do so now. I have embeded theentire film below - enjoy, and Happy Halloween!!

Top 10 Vampire Films - #3

#4 on my top ten Vampire films countdown is another entry from Hammer films - their first foray into vampire territory - HORROR OF DRACULA!

Released in 1958 this one stars Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Michael Gough. It was written by Jimmy Sangster and directed by the great Terrence Fisher. It was originally called simply DRACULA, but renamed Horror of Dracula to avoid confusion. It is based on the Stoker Dracula novel, albeit very loosely.  In THIS version Harker comes to castle Dracula to destroy the count (Lee). He fails, and Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) finds the castle empty and Harker lying in a cyypt, no longer a man but now a vampire. He stakes him through the heart and leaves to inform Harker's fiance, Lucy, of thetragic news. But it turns out Lucy has contracted a strange illness... and even stranger marks on her neck...



This film is a joy to watch. Sumptuous colors and crisp direction with the definitive British horror cast of Cushing and Lee - doesn't get much better than that. The two play off one another perfectly, and Cushing in particular is fantastic as Van Helsing. The music score by James Bernard is terrific as well, with that memorable theme that instantly says Hammer Horror.



This is one I revisit regularly, and in fact am overdue to watch again. Definitely one of the best, check out Horror of Dracula, it's a must see for vampire fans.

Top Ten Vampire Films #4

We're in the home stretch on the top vampire film countdown, and it's Hammer time as we welcome the #4 movie on our countdown, DRACULA PRINCE OF DARKNESS!

This is the third film in the Hammer Dracula series, the second which featured Christopher Lee as Count Dracula. It was made in 1966 and was written by Jimmy Sangster and directed by Terrence Fisher. It stars Christopher Lee, Barbara Shelley, and Andrew Kier. This film is unique in that Dracula doesn't speak a word during this film - Despite this he still oozes evil in every scene.



When the film begins Dracula is dead, destroyed at the end of the first Hammer Dracula film Horror of Dracula. He is revived by a devoted minion of the dark prince, a man known simply as Klove. The scene where Dracula is resurrected is one of the best in any Hammer movies. Klove captures and knocks unconscious a man staying as a guest in Dracula's castle. He suspends him upside down over a crypt containing Dracula's ashes, then slits the man's throat, spilling his blood over the ashes and bringing Dracula back to un-life!
 

The one thing that would elevate this film higher on my list would be the addition of Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. However, Andrew Keir plays Father Sandor, an ass-kicking monk traveling through the area. I really love his character, and he makes a nice stand-in for Van Helsing.



When it comes to vampire films I could honestly have made this list entirely Hammer-centric. The entire Hammer series is excellent, but there are two that I feel stand out above the pack, and DRACULA PRINCE OF DARKNESS is certainly one of those!

Top Ten Vampire Films #5

Coming in at #5 on our pain in the neck countdown, it's the George Romero film, Martin!

Shot in 1976 this film was written and directed by George "King of the Zombies" Romero. It's about a kid named Martin played by John Amplas who believes he's a vampire, and craves blood. He uses a syringe and razor blade and drinks blood from his victims. He has moved in with his uncle, who fully believes his nephew is a nosferatu. Martin is convinced he's 84 years old and needs blood to survive - but is he truly a vampire, or just a deranged kid...?

This movie is one of the most unique vampire films you'll find. It is so quirky and offbeat and the action is do realistic that it is actually a disturbing film. It is one of Romero's lesser known films, and a true classic. Romero has often said it is his personal favorite among his films, and he told me that very thing at Wonderfest several years back.

Check it out if you've not seen it, you won't forget it!

TOP TEN VAMPIRE FILMS - #6

Next up in our Vampire film countdown is a modern movie from 2008 based on a best-selling novel, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

Directed by Tomas Alfredson and starring Kare Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson, this Swedish film is one of the most beautiful and original vampire films of all time. Young Oskar is an outcast, a loner who is picked on by the school bullies. A new girl named Eli arrives at his apartment complex, and  the two become friends. There is something different about this girl - she has a dark, dangerous quality which young Oskar identifies with. Around this same time a string on inexplicable murders begins. Oskar slowly begins to realize there is more than meets the eye about this strange, pale girl who only comes out at night…

This film was remade by Hammer Studios in 2010 under the title LET ME IN. Both versions are excellent, with the Swedish one just barely edging out the Hammer version. The two young actors in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN are really terrific, and the story is brutal and believable, punctuated by the stark cold backdrop of a snowy Swedish ghetto. Highly recommended, this is one terrific movie.

Top 10 Vampire Films - #7

Before we get to tonight's entry in the countdown I wanted to tell you guys about my buddy jeano's (Creeping Cruds guitarist) blog, Spooky Franklin. He has his own Top 10 Vampire films countdown going - http://spookyfranklin.blogspot.com/

Now on with the show - Coming in at #7 on the Vampire countdown is another 80’s fanged fright fest – FRIGHT NIGHT.

 Fright Night was made in 1985 and directed by Tom Holland. It stars Chris Sarandon, Roddy McDowell, William Ragsdale, and Amanda Bearse. This one is a monster-kid’s dream. It is chock so full of references to all the stuff I love that it really struck home with me. It tells the story of Charlie Brewster, an avid horror movie fan who, like all good horror fans, faithfully tunes in to his local TV horror host, Peter Vincent, host of FIGHT NIGHT. Peter Vincent (played by the great Roddy McDowell) channels Peter Cushing with his character, a wooden stake wielding vampire hunter. However it’s all just pretend – vampires don’t really exist, right?

Well Charlie discovers just the contrary when a pair of strange neighbors moves into the house next door. Charlie quickly learns that one of them is a vampire, but who will believe him? Certainly not the police, and not even his girlfriend. He turns to the one man who might not only believe his story but have the experience to help him defeat the denizen of the dark – Peter Vincent.



The 80s were a true renaissance period for vampire films. This makes sense when you consider horror movies often reflect our worst fears, and this was the decade when AIDS first became known to the public - The year Freddy Mercury was diagnosed with Aids both Near Dark and Lost Boys hit theaters. This fear played out on the big screen with a number of vampire movies both good - Lost Boys, Near Dark, The Hunger – and bad – the Vampire’s Kiss, Vamp, Once Bitten. There were many, many more – Lifeforce, My Best Friend is a Vampire, Transylvania Twist, Rockula (90), A Return to Salem’s Lot, etc.

Fright Night ranks a bit higher than the other 80s films on my list for several reasons – the horror host tie in, the fantastic special effects, Roddy McDowell’s performance, and the music. I had a cassette copy of the soundtrack for this movie that I played repeatedly until it was worn out. I need to get a CD copy of it. Fright Night is a fun movie and not to be confused with the 2011 remake. THIS is the version to see!!



TOP TEN VAMPIRE FILMS - #8

Continuing the vampiric countdown here as we flap toward Halloween, coming in at number 8 is another movie from 1987 – NEAR DARK.

Near Dark was directed by Katheryn Bigelow and stars Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, and Adrian Pasdar. It tells the story of a guy name Caleb who meets and instantly falls for a young girl name Mae. Unfortunately for Caleb, she is not your normal girl next door. Mae bites him on the neck, turning him into a vampire. He is forced to take up with Mae’s group of rowdy friends, her surrogate vampire family, to survive.

 This film inevitably draws comparisons with The Lost Boys for a number of reasons. First, they were both released in 1987. Lost Boys came out first and was a huge success – three months later Near Dark was released and did terribly at the box office, losing money. Both are about a young guy who falls for a beautiful girl who is a vampire and becomes part of a “family” of vampires. Both must decide whether to accept their fate as a member of the walking dead or reject it and choose life. 

However, this movie kicks Lost Boys ass. These vampires are not the Gap fashioned, dangling earring wearing, well-coiffed vampires of Lost Boys but rather a rugged, dirty, vicious batch of bloodthirsty (literally) killers on the run. The cast is terrific and Bill Paxton steals the show in an unforgettable scene in a bar.  

 Near Dark has gained a cult following over the years and I was fortunate to catch it at The Belcourt Theater in Nashville last year at a midnight showing. Check out Near Dark if you’ve never seen it – It’s finger lickin good!!

TOP TEN VAMPIRE FILMS - #9

Continuing our countdown of the top Vampire films of all time, at #9 is a film from 1987 that was a HUGE box office success and one that I remember seeing in the theater - THE LOST BOYS.

This film was made by director Joel Schumacher and stars Keifer Sutherland, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, and Jason Patric. It tells the story two brothers and their mom who move to a new town, Santa Carla, CA. The older brother, Michael, gets involved with a pack of bloodsucking bikers and younger brother Sam falls in with two strange kids known as the Frog Brothers who know the truth of what lurks in Santa Carla.

I almost hesitated to put this movie on the list simply because Schumacher directed it, which I realize is unfair. In retrospect I'm letting the complete shittiness of the Batman movies he directed color my perception of this movie. The Lost Boys is a lot of fun and although it is a campy movie it still has its scary moments. The pack of vampires is an interesting element of the film, especially juxtaposed with Sam and Michael's family. Michael finds himself torn between the two and must make a choice.



The Lost Boys is a true product of the 80s, a snapshot of fashion and attitudes of the time. I love that a comic book shop plays prominently at the beginning of the movie. Once the final showdown occurs this film falls a little too much into the cliche of having the vampires die too easily. This is a problem I have with most vampire movies that features large numbers of vampires - they cease to be frightening monsters and instead become cartoon characters, fodder for one silly death sequence after another (a problem I have with films like BLADE or FROM DUS TILL DAWN). But despite this THE LOST BOYS is entertaining and worth watching, and one I revisit from time to time.

Happy October fright fans!

October is finally here and the countdown to Halloween has begun! I started decorating my house this weekend – my teenage son and I set up a graveyard and put a ghoul in an electric chair out front of the house as well. We’ll be adding a few other goodies to the yard too, including a giant grim reaper.

For the 13 years that I did my show I got invited to host many events, but always declined - Halloween was my night off. I have friends who hold an annual get-together on Halloween night, but I love being home for the whole trick or treat ritual and wouldn’t miss it for anything. In the past we’d take our kids around the neighborhood to gather candy, but they’re all older now, so it’ll be the other side of the candy corn for me – I’ll get to enjoy being home to see everyone else’s costumes. This year we’re going to set up a fire bowl and sit around it handing out candy, and I plan to set up a screen and projector and have Halloween movies playing in the yard too, most likely Universal classics.

This Halloween season I’ll be posting a lot of good stuff here on the blog. I plan to do a TOP 10 VAMPIRE MOVIE countdown as well as reviews, Universal Horror stuff, and photos from my film going adventures as there are a shit-load of great movies screening around the Nashville area this October (see the Nashevil link above). So stay tuned for much Halloween fun here on the blog, and enjoy the season my fiends!!



Would Zombies Eat Soylent Green?

I finally got a chance to watch the DEADLIEST WARRIOR episode VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES on Netflix this week. I’d heard about that episode but never actually tracked it down. Once it appeared in the Netflix cue I knew I had to watch it. After all, it’s a pretty neat premise and just more proof of how mainstream horror pop culture has become.

DEADLIEST WARRIOR is a pretty cool show. Most of you have probably seen it, but for those who haven’t it’s a series that airs on Spike TV in which two famous warriors from history, such as Napoleon and George Washington, are squared off against one another. A team of experts study the weapons, armor, fighting techniques, etc. of each combatant and attempt to simulate what would happen if the two actually battled. They test the weapons on a number of targets such as ballistic gel torsos, pig carcasses, etc. and measure the impact, damage, precision of the weapons, etc. They also test the armor of each combatant to see how it withstands the opponent’s weaponry. Experts on each combatant are consulted to take into account variables such as battle technique, specialized attacks, etc. Points are assigned for each of the tested categories and all the data is compiled and fed into a computer which then simulates the battle. They run the simulation 1,000 times to determine which warrior would win the fight. Finally they show the winner through a video simulation of the fight using live costumed actors to reenact the outcome.

Of course there is no way to really prove something like this definitively, but it is still a really interesting program. You get a chance to see each warrior’s weapons in action and just how effective they are. The sword of Vlad the Impaler had to be the single most impressive weapon of any, in my mind. That thing was amazing – it sliced through an entire pig carcass with one swing as if cutting through a slab of butter. It was insane.

Vampire vs. Zombies was the first fight between fictional foes. As usual experts were brought in for each combatant. For the zombies they brought in Max Brooks, author of WORLD WAR Z and the ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE, and Matt Mogk, founder of the ZOMBIE RESEARCH SOCIETY. For the Vampires they brought in Steve Niles, author of 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, and Scott Bowen, author of the VAMPIRE SURVIVAL GUIDE.



The first question to be decided was what type of monsters was squaring off, because as you know the rules for each vary from movie to movie. For the zombies they chose the slow moving viral-induced zombie, such as seen on THE WALKING DEAD. For the vampire they chose the 30 DAYS OF NIGHT style vampire, a more vicious pack hunting type creature. The weapons for this episode were simpler than usual, because they were very limited. Zombies had their teeth, grasp, and lack of pain. Vampires have teeth, claws, and speed. They also factored in the vampire’s hunting instincts and intelligence, and the zombie’s sheer numbers and viral infectiousness. They rigged some interesting devices to test the effectiveness of each creatures attack forms, assigning the approximate bite strength of a Rottweiler dog to the zombie, and the bite of a crocodile to the vampire.

But for these vampires the most impressive weapon is their claws, capable of crushing a human skull with one blow. These zombies follow the “destroy the brain, destroy the zombie” rule. So the ability to crush a skull and deliver a kill strike with a single swing is a huge advantage, especially combined with their super speed. You’d think it would be a clear cut contest in favor of the vampire – but they didn’t match them one on one. These zombies travel in hordes, and their sheer number s make up for their slow shambling and lack of mental facilities. I can’t remember exactly the ratio but it was something like 60 to one in favor of the zombies. They used 4 vampires, so it was around 240 to 4.

I won’t spoil the outcome, you’ll have to watch it for yourself to see which creature wins. It is available through Netflix streaming and I believe you can see it on the Deadliest Warrior webpage on the Spike TV site, too. http://www.spike.com/full-episodes/q7bq0v/deadliest-warrior-vampires-vs-zombies-season-3-ep-310

I do want to talk about one thing they addressed but really didn’t take into account too much, and that is the zombie’s viral nature. As these zombies originated from a virus they are highly contagious. This virus is similar to AIDS, meaning their bodily fluids – blood and saliva – are the means through which the virus is transmitted. The question this obviously raises is – what happens when a vampire becomes infected? Or can they even become infected at all?



If blood keeps these vampires alive then their bodies are functioning to some degree and processing nutrients from that blood. Therefore taking in tainted blood would naturally have an adverse effect of some sort. What would a zombified vampire look like? How would it act? Interesting questions.

But I would think the last thing a vampire would feed on is a zombie. Think of the most rotten, fetid food – disgusting, maggot-filled stinky meat or moldy, sour milk that’s months old. That’s what I envision a zombie smells like. Now imagine your senses are heightened to a super human heights – like a dog or a bear, where you’re able to smell food from a distance. Imagine how potent and disgusting a zombie would smell – their blood-soaked sour clothes and rotting flesh combining with the raw unprocessed meat in their bloated belly. Ever smelled a dead animal? You know how awful it is. The smell of death is a distinctive odor, unforgettable, and it permeates everything. Imagine that smell multiplied by the teens, or hundreds, or thousands.

Now would you want to make a meal of that? Of course not. And neither would a vampire. I believe, if I were writing a screenplay under this scenario, I would make a zombie toxic to vampires. They wouldn’t become zombie-vampires if they fed on one, but they would become sick and die. The rotten, infected blood and flesh are poisonous, of no use to a vampire nutritionally speaking. This would probably change the outcome of that Deadliest Warrior scenario a bit, as one of the major weapons of the vampire was its bite.



The next question is whether a zombie can eat a vampire, and what effect would that have? A zombie is akin to a shark in my mind, a mindless eating machine. They have little brain function and exist to only to feed. What keeps zombies from turning on one another and attacking and eating each other? I can only assume they need fresh food, that they somehow can sense if something is alive. I don’t believe they operate on sense of smell, as their sense of smell would be dulled by their own disgusting odor as described above. So using the shark analogy, perhaps it is movement that triggers the zombie hunting instinct. Maybe like in SHAUN OF THE DEAD a living human could imitate the dead and pass unnoticed, as long as you didn’t get too close.



I’m going with that theory for my hypothetical screenplay, so therefore zombies would definitely go after a vampire. And since these zombies feed on all human tissue, not just brains as in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, they would rip them to shreds and consume them.



Do zombies digest food? Nope, I don’t think so. Their bodily functions have stopped and therefore they don’t process food. They don’t piss, don’t defecate, don’t breathe. There is still stomach acid, so some of the food would be processed, but it isn’t passed along the digestive tract. The remaining feces from their last living day would probably be pushed out, thus all zombies would shit themselves. They’re a truly disgusting creature. Shark-like, they would eat until their distended bellies burst and all the rotten meat spilled onto the ground, then they would continue to eat more.

But would they eat Soylent Green? That’s something that crossed my mind as I was driving earlier today. Now for you folks who may not have seen this classic dystopian futuristic film I worn you to stop reading now – I’m talking to you, Miss Bren! I never want to be accused of being the guy who throws out spoilers, even to a film that is almost 40 years old. So this is your spoiler alert!

Would they eat a synthetic food substance? Nope, not my zombies, even if it’s made of people parts. Remember they operate on movement. If it moves like food they treat it like food. Humans, dogs, cats, mice – anything that moves is food. Even sharks, a-la Fulci’s ZOMBIE. They wouldn’t even notice Soylent Green if you dumped a bucket of it over their head.